Ways of Belonging
I belong
Though I seek accomplishment
Though I seek approval
Though I maybe alone
Far off lands beckon
My here and now beckons
I twist to break free
But yet ….
I long to belong
Prologue
Ways of belonging traces the life of a woman Ruma trying to find her bearings in life. Her childhood is spent with conflict and unrequited feelings always struggling to come into her own.
Born into a patriarchal family she loses her sense of self and rebels against the way of life that had been chosen for her and her siblings. She watches her father and her siblings making the wrong choices for her and is troubled by her mothers unending silence.
Despite all this she loves her family in her own way and yearns for their acceptance. The struggles continue even later with marriage and after her children are born. Her personality changes from submissive to one of great mental strength and temperance and she gives strength to her two children. She finally realizes that if she stands strong she does not need the acceptance of family or society any longer.
Ways of belonging is the journey that Ruma undertakes and how the struggle becomes worthwhile at the end. Ruma somehow works to restoring her relationships and finds closure in her relationship with her brother and raises two wonderful children. Her journey begins in India and she goes where destiny leads her, in the end finding hersel f in a foreign land where she searches for her brother or what his foot prints have left behind.
Black ominous clouds shuddered and collided with each other, reigning supreme over the pale grey sky. The monsoon was here and how, it was putting on a spectacular show for all to see, pink lightning crackled and made its way to the earth, unrelenting cold rain. The sunshine was stolen by these selfish clouds for a few days now.
Ruma stood glued to the steps. It would happen ever so often that her thoughts would almost take control of her very being. She struggled to contain the onslaught of her memories and the task ahead.
She knew that this day would come but questioned herself ”Why is it that even if we prepare ourselves for an eventuality; we are never strong enough when the day arrives?”
One has to pass through the cycle of pain and anxiety and the realization that we have to simply move on comes late as we spend some time; in the foolish hope that maybe just maybe nothing will change. When is Later though? Ruma was not good at waiting.
-¯ –
Ruma stared at the scene in front of her. The rains had left everything wet and the garden was teeming with new life, the mud smelt wet and delicious. The ground was dotted with mushrooms of all shapes and sizes ending under the banyan tree. The tree stood strong as if in deep meditation, ignoring Ruma. She was but another life form or energy to the tree, simply a speck in the timeline of the universe. The winds blew and the rain water which had collected on the leaves and branches showered down, as if the tree were using the winds energy to shake itself dry. A chill ran down her spine and she could feel goose-bumps on her hands. She rubbed herself with her hands but to no avail, she wanted to go inside now but maybe if she stayed a little longer she could steady herself.
Puddles of water nearby, rippled with the disturbance from errant leaves and intermittent gusts of wind.
Ruma likened the ripples to the waves passing through her own life, sooner or later the ripples would run deep and wide and encircle her.
She mused that if it weren’t for the rain and the cold she would dash across to the big ugly black gates and run away. She was not trying to run away from home only from herself. She thought of her brother Balan and the sadness gnawed at her again. She choked in silence and fought back the tears. She didn’t want him to see her this way. He was soon leaving home in pursuit of his dreams and even though she was happy for him, she couldn’t help but feel a tremendous burden. He loved her and took care of her … the kind gentle Balan. She had to be strong for his sake, after all isn’t that what people say that when you love someone you had to be strong enough to see them leave you. She fumed at this thought after all it was easy to advice, but difficult to follow… The thought of the coming weeks and years…gripped Ruma’s heart. How would she manage without having Balan around? He was her constant companion and confidante and the only person at home who loved her so. She couldn’t bare the thought of spending the remainder of her time in this house with her sisters. It seemed that over the years they completely lost all love for Ruma and she in turn stopped expecting any kindness from them.
She knew that Balan would come… for the holidays and family occasions. But then she would never have him to herself. She would have to wait for his time and affections. But then would their father allow Balan to enter and leave freely…She wondered that if her father would forgive Balan as the years progressed. Their father had said some very cruel things and Ruma was angry. She didn’t know what it was that made her father this way…unrelenting and uncompromising no matter what the consequences.
Balan watched from a distance ,his little sister mulling over something as usual and it made him smile and happy at the same time. He understood her perfectly, she was like a sponge absorbing and soaking in the new situation and drawing conclusions. He was not sure what he could say or do to make his sister feel better but he had to start somewhere. He let her be for some more time.
After an hour Balan decided that he had given his little sister enough time to herself. He didn’t want her to be so grief-stricken. It was not as if the world had come to an end! He knew that it was going to be difficult for her without him but then sometimes we have to take decisions that change the course of our lives and invariably the lives of people dear to us. He was sure of what he wanted to do and cruel though it might seem no love or no person could stop him now. He had a tough time discussing with his father but now the old man seemed reconciled to the fact that Balan would go eventually…if not now then some time later surely. Kesav Nambiar had reservations on his sons chosen path…it was not a path treaded by many and he was too proud to help Balan. He decided to let him go but told Balan in no uncertain terms that he could never expect any monitory help or any support from the family. Balan had to continue his journey without his father’s blessings…brushing these thoughts aside he once again stared at Ruma.
-¯ –
He treaded softly so as to not disturb her reverie and laid a reassuring arm on her shoulder. She felt his presence and did not turn around…
Balan said to her “Ruma, you know I will be home on leave and we will do all the fun things that we normally do ….long drives in father’s car…watching the star filled sky at night…reading… it’s not the end of the world you know. In fact you might even forget me after some time…” this made her turn around she took his arm from her shoulder and squeezed his hand tight as if it would fuse their hands together and maybe he would not leave…
Ruma replied “how can you think that I will forget the one person who cares about me? For me you are a very big part of my world and there will be a void in that small world! As for Promila and Ranjana they would never take care of me the way you do…I will have no one to confide in and will have to wait for your letters…I will be alone during the evenings and dinner time…father will not pay any attention and mother will be too distracted with her own woes to see my pain!”
So saying she took a deep breath and hurriedly wiped the few tears that refused to stay back in her eyes they disobediently flowed down her soft childish face.
Balan responded “But Devaki and Ranjana are your sisters, over time they will realize that all the hate and anger is of no use. It often happens that people are brought together under such circumstances. Give them your trust and affection and they cannot refuse the same towards you.” Ruma shook her head…he was trying to make her feel better, but she knew that what he predicted would not happen. Not in a million years…not if the world were to come to a crashing halt…not if god himself came down to earth for this task and tried to convince her sisters.
Balan, Ranjana and Devaki were born just a few years apart. They had grown accustomed to each other and to them their family was complete. Fate had brought them out of their complacency. Little did they know that things would change with the birth of another child!
Ranjana and Devaki displayed their animosity and discomfort openly. They would taunt their mother and say cruel things to her all the time. But it was too late for their mother to give up the child…their father and mother were not happy but they accepted the situation as best they could. Ruma then became an unwelcome addition to the family of four. Her sisters would treat her with contempt and never fail to remind her that she was not wanted in their midst.
Ruma ignored what Balan said and smiled sadly and asked him “So your mind is made up? You are going away for sure?”
Balan replied “Yes, I have to go. I have this chance and it means everything to me…I am afraid that if I don’t do this now I will regret it and be a very unhappy person…I don’t have fathers blessings but I have to follow through to the promise I made to myself now…” They stood for awhile just staring at the garden, Ruma was making a promise to herself that she would always remember him and write to him and maybe one day have the freedom to meet him at will. Balan stood nearby wondering if he really would be able to go the distance.
